At some point around 2008 I put together a box with a bunch of random shit laying around. Nothing of value, all stuff you question why you even kept it in the first place basically. Off it went to an unsuspecting victim/friend. From there, the box-of-shit was born. Since then, I have sent out hundreds of boxes or envelopes of shit. On occasion, people document what they receive with comedic flair. This is one of the boxes I received and wrote about. This was originally published on attrition.org.
attrition.org is a small collective of “security professionals” (using that term loosely) because really, we’re not about to give up our day job salaries to work in a music store like we truly want. Over the years, we’ve gone from a solid 25 people to a mere handful that login and actually do anything. We have a few celebrity accounts on here like comega, apacid and nosuchuser. That means that every minute we avoid producing real content for the web site, we’re surfing porn, downloading music/movies illegally or sending each other boxes of shit.
Years back, I sent Lyger a box of shit. He wasn’t expecting it, he didn’t want it, he still curses my name to this day. Of course, I quickly sent him another a few months later given the overwhelming positive response. That lead me to sending d2d one and sending a third box to Lyger. I also got blindsided by apacid when he sent me a box. Lyger hasn’t talked to me in four months, but I chalk that up to him being busy volunteering in his local brothel. Actually, d2d hasn’t mailed me in ages either, but he said something about managing a white slavery ring and four jobs while working on osvdb.org and datalossdb.org. Who knows, anyway!
Imagine my shock last week, when I got a mysterious box from d2d. I took it to the airport and gave TSA a fiver to x-ray it (they aren’t good for much else). Next, I threw it down a big hill, pushed it into I-25 traffic and then gave it to a bunch of kids to play with. Since it didn’t self-destruct, I pushed the kids down and took their new ‘toy’.
Sure, it doesn’t seem like much from the initial look. But stop a minute, consider who d2d is. Opening this box should have resulted in something.. anything.. that’s just who he is. He works magic on the web. “Check this out” usually means features that are beyond Web 4.0, do your dishes and give you a handjob. The fact I opened this box and didn’t have fireworks, strippers and senators kissing my ring says something. Sure, it looks harmless so far, but first impressions can be a tad misleading. If the content wasn’t intended to reach out and touch a direct relative, then the items must mean something important. If I take the time to read, decipher and understand his sekret message, then I would surely know what makes him tick, and why that chick hangs out with him and not me.. right?!
Opening the box, I see we have a wide variety of shit. Black bags, cock rings, bottle caps and Pokémon trading cards at first glance. This promises to be a world of fun for me, but a bit tamed down from the usual. If a box-of-shit doesn’t contain something that pops out, insults my mother and defiles my living room, it isn’t properly done. If you look closer, and use your imagination though, perhaps this begins to show signs of meeting attrition standards. I believe this is concrete evidence of d2d’s “creepy man with candy at playground” side. The black pipe is for his legendary ‘penis bending’ exercise, designed to strengthen his unit. I’ve heard he puts the baby bib around it and feeds his own penis apple sauce frequently. One small black bag contained enough roofies to last him three trips to a club (or one long evening). The second I haven’t opened because it is still moving on its own. As for the rest…
- Glue sticks from his “Arts and Crafts” kit, because not all kids are lured in with G.I. Joe’s kung-fu grip.
- He is clever. He gives you these handcuff keys, which only work on knock-off cuffs from Spencer’s. Then he proceeds to use a pair of Smith & Wesson cuffs on you.
- Cork from a wine bottle; the wine of course used for d2d’s “religious ceremony” in which he plays a zombie jew named Jesus. Doubles as a moderate butt plug.
- d2d is so gangsta, bitch. best be steppin yo! (He mailed this so TSA wouldn’t confiscate it again)
- Patent pending “Tactical Redneck Condom”, doubles as a belt holder for your sunflower seeds or coon tail.
- He obviously doesn’t need this, not like any of his toys are less than ‘D’ battery enabled.
- I don’t think I want to guess what this fell off, or what piece of machinery will unexpectedly fall apart when he least expects it. I do wish I had it on beta-max whenever it happens though.
- This has to be the most comfortable looking cock ring I’ve seen in weeks.
- “Here you go little one, follow the nice doggie!” d2d isn’t creepy at all.
- Safety from accidental electrocution is important. All electricity that he uses comes from his taser, delivered directly to your scrotum (or his frequently).
- Pine scented butt plug. Notice a trend in his items?
- Tokens for different arcade games at Chuck-e-cheese. You would not believe how fast you can get someone off the playground into a dark room with video games. Works on me instantly.
- His old ‘pinkie ring’ that he made his ‘church goers’ kiss during his ‘service’. Like the Catholic church, he says “no kinky sex”. But kiss his ring like you do the Pope.
- Ghetto roach clip for his teenaged prey, or a nipple clamp for himself.
- Smirnoff Ice caps (regular and raspberry?), a favorite to get his prey boozed up.
- The top part of a sippy cup, to better hide the tainted Kool-Aid before you pass out in peaceful slumber zzzz…
- This bottle cap came from a 1.5ltr bottle of Vodka that cost $4.99.
- d2d’s business card to give legitimacy to his pick-up lines in bars. “I developed Pac-Man..”
All things considered, we like d2d. By ‘like’, I mean fear him as you would a new prison cellmate named BeAsTeH. This ‘creep in a box’ was a stark reminder that his time as a free man is probably limited and that it is overdue for me to move again.