At some point around 2008 I put together a box with a bunch of random shit laying around. Nothing of value, all stuff you question why you even kept it in the first place basically. Off it went to an unsuspecting victim/friend. From there, the box-of-shit was born. Since then, I have sent out hundreds of boxes or envelopes of shit. On occasion, people document what they receive with comedic flair. This is one of the boxes I received and wrote about. This was originally published on attrition.org.
First, I need to defend myself here after the unfair and ungrateful D2D blasted my shower of kindness in the form of a box of shit. D2D does many things around here, most notably send ascii drawings of male genetalia, randomly kill -HUP the web server to make Lyger ask “why did the server crash earlier” and send inappropriate instant messages after a heavy night of drinking rubbing alcohol. Once in a while, he also pretends to be a developer for the OSVDB.org project. By that I mean he acts like a Ruby on Rails Evangelist, constantly saying how it is superior to SNOBOL and PHP. He may be right there though.
It’s for this last thing that I opted to send him a cherished box of shit, to reward him for fixing a bug I opened up seven months ago. After fixing the typo on a web page, he closed the ticket and sent me 69 copies of the ascii version of goatse.cx image. What an ass! Despite this virtual abuse, a box of shit was sent out priority mail. He received and promptly blogged (fag) about it, suggesting my generous gifts were a slight of some kind.
Shortly after this, Lyger decides to betray my generosity by posting his rant about the box of shit I sent to him. Before you read that hurtful link in detail, take note that he carries around a Crackberry (fag) like the good little metrosexual he is. On top of the wonderful stuff, I accidentally sent him the Ansel Adams books that were meant for my color-blind friend in Juarez.
After a spat of e-mails from attrition staff, I found a surprise box of my own (and a cheeseburger wrapper) in the mailbox. I assume that Apacid sent the box and my mailman left the wrapper, but who knows. The first thing that came to mind was that Apacid thought I needed to re-learn material from previous conventions.
I ignored this obvious insult at my memory, as if I’d forget those wonderful conventions in Dallas and Chicago! He also included his hotel key card from last year, probably as a sign that he wants drunken convention sex next year. What a sweet offer.
Among the ‘treasures’ he sent were a book for Half-Life and some satanic Tarot cards that supposedly tell your future. Hah, like I’d heed the mumbo-jumbo sorcery of these cards (the pale horse says I will feast at midnight). Like I would be bothered to waste time on any of these childish games. He even sent me the map to EverQuest’s Ruins of Kunark.
Can you imagine me training Gorenair to Karnor’s Castle or dealing with mobs on the way to Chardok? Please! Sebilis, filled with strange froglok creatures that froooak at you and guard the lair of Trakanon is of no interest to a powerful wizard like me. Uh, i mean, nevermind.
Also included were various instruments of Apacid’s sick perversion. I can only imagine what he had in mind.. what he wanted to put where, how he wanted to restrain whoever.
The box of shit came with two other pieces of literature; something that perplexes me, and a book of the O’reilly animals (which is better than some of their technical books). Squido eagerly grabbed the O’reilly book to brush up on obscure animal knowledge and was immediately disappointed that the book covers do not have pigeons, guinea pigs or chinchillas. Before the animals, let’s ponder what the hell Apacid was doing with “Your Guide to Sleeping Comfort” and where he got it. Ok, that scares me, moving on.
Finally, he sent me a toll token in the hope that I will drive to his place and some patriotic stickers of demented snowmen to put on the car.
All said and done, Apacid has serious issues. What kind of asshole freak sends a box of shit like this to someone?!