[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]
(written for the 5th anniversary)
First off, fuck you. Since I know I mean that for more people than I don’t, why not say it. For those who have been reading the ‘zine for a while and not giving me feedback, fuck you. Gradual changes suck for those closely involved because we don’t see the end results for what they are. Did you know I almost killed the ‘zine? Probably not. Instead, it will go on with help from one or two editors. For the authors that means faster response time probably. It also means more strict guidelines for what is accepted. Seems a lot of files recently lack that little fire in them. That extra bit of angst to lend to your point.
What happened to it? Fuck if I care, back to the basics. We aren’t going to pull a corporate clusterfuck and analyze this to death, nor look to change structure, or any of that crap. Old school business: stick to what works. So here we are. And just to avoid an argument about who is to blame, it’s all my fault. No other. I let this degrade into half hearted rants with no fire in them. Why? Because life has become quite serene for me. The other day some really fucked up shit happened to me. I can’t begin to explain, but suffice it to say, I’m pissed.
You hold a concept, idea, philosophy or whatever else close to you. You believe in it without hesitation and without question, knowing it is the “right thing”. One day it all comes crashing down around you though. Slaps you once and says “sorry, life isn’t that fair.” Fucks with you, then leaves again, letting you become serene again. Just what people like me need. As for what sparked this, don’t ask. I will write about it somewhere down the road probably.
Cause and effect can be so silly. How does a single minute possess the ability to fuck with 20 years of your life? Incredible that it can. More incredible is that there are more than three people still left in this world because of it. The one thing that makes that possible is morals and ethics, which lead to laws that set up that cause/effect relationship. Worse, those laws are not fair by any means. Why does it always happen that if I sneeze on the wrong side of the road I will get caught, ticketed, and fined, while deranged crackwhores lead 2 year slander campaigns against me, a club bouncer puts me in a choke hold for asking him to move his truck, and inept hacker wannabes borrow a login from their friend and try to hack my server for a week, but go unpunished? Why doesn’t the law ever work FOR me since I pay for it and the accompanying enforcement?
I miss the old days of… everything. Sometimes. At one point I thought “I need no friends. Solitude is the answer.” Then it was “I miss my friends.” Now, I think it is “I want a new set of ‘old’ friends.” Maybe I just need to get laid. Fuck if I know anymore. Days pass where I can’t put my feelings into words at all. I sit there pondering my mood, not even diving into WHY I might be in that mood. My list of projects grows immense as I wallow in this slump. No desire or driving force to be creative or productive most of the time.
I ponder occasional trivial points like if I am ‘alone’ or ‘lonely’. Does it really matter? There is an obvious gap in my life. Does this qualify as overanalyzing the problem? I seek escape in movies, music, and dancing. I really do try to be social and talk to people. In the spare time I find myself writing or wanting to at least. Like always, I ponder if writing is worth it sometimes. It is rare that I go back and read things of my own. Feedback (or lack thereof) is rare suggesting my message isn’t going anywhere.
Back to the basics. Know one thing, everyone has a fight. A cause. An agenda. Some are open about it, others aren’t. That said…
One reason the ‘zine isn’t dying is because Capone is going to take over some of the editing duties. Continue to send any submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org and one of us will get to it. Be warned though, we are going back to the basics. Higher quality, more focus.. the rants of old. We’ll continue to take fiction and other material, just make sure the point is there. I will continue doing the Poetry Venture as well. If you don’t know what that is, it is an all poetry mag’ I am editing now.