[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]
Date: 1:11 am Sat Aug 31, 1996
posted less than two hours ago but my mind is screaming.
i find it ever so amazing how much goes through your mind while you are driving. tonight’s music, Tori again. this was different though, in a way that surprised me. i don’t have a good stereo in the car, only at home, but as i played the tape, i found myself almost jumping as if someone had startled me each time the bass resounded.
“Looking for a savior, in these dirty streets”
one passage caught my mind this time. since i was a block from the apartment, I shut the stereo off after that one sentence. i think everyone is well acquainted with my views on religion and my contempt for Christianity among other religions. after that sentence, i wondered to myself if there was a savior out there… someone that could truly understand me. i think that is the only way i would be saved by any means.. save me from my own mind. i sin. all my friends know it, hell, everyone knows it. if anyone makes a big deal out of it they are naïve. everyone sins.
i admit it. i have no problem with the morals. i take full responsibility for my actions and don’t attempt to blame them on others. i do however blame my reasons for other’s actions.
i am a slave to my pager and cellphone. anyone can reach me at any time. its to the point if i don’t call someone back within three or four minutes, they take it personal, or question what i was doing. where do they get the impression they are that important? i have been giving my time and attention for a year like that, always answering the page, always calling back. there are some people i know that answer less than 10% of my pages for various reasons. that same person thinks i wish them dead if i don’t return their page in one minute flat.
i think tomorrow i will turn my pager off, turn the cell off, and keep myself connected to the net all day. or unplug all the phones. maybe take a bottle of something and wonder down to the creek and just sit there. think about it, and how nice it would be… to do nothing. to sit there, breathe the fresh air, look at the stream flowing, drowning yourself in a bottle. no one can reach you unless they take the time to find you. sounds like a plan.
of course, i have other plans to work that one around. return computer parts in the morning, install linux, movie late tomorrow night.
i want no obligations in life as far as friends go. i want unconditional friends that will put up with me. some of my friends have done that for the past six months. now, i want them to put up with me for my actions, not me responding to someone else’s desires.
thinking back to my previous posts, i should probably extract them as some form of diary. some log of my sorrow, confusion, happiness, and anger. anything to remind me that i am alive.
big things are happening in the future. really neat stuff. when it surfaces i will talk about it, but can’t until then. they say money burns holes in your pocket. wonder how secrets would compare.. they burn a hole in your soul i think. something much deeper and more primitive.
“and the pain lingers on”
The Wall, watching the movie right now. i watch it at least every 6 months now. its to the point i am comfortable with the movie and music. i grew up listening to it, watching it, reading it. it brings back faded half visions of memory. “goodbye blue sky” is a good representation of where i am heading i think. if work and stress doesn’t consume me, my inner turmoil will.
its nice to vent like this, but i don’t want to give the impression that I am looking for anything. i don’t want help. i certainly don’t want sympathy, and the last thing i want to do is give guilt to anyone. even if i were to give guilt, they wouldn’t be reading this.
so what do i want. something grand. something that strikes out and makes people understand. i want everyone to understand something though, not just a handful. don’t even know what i want them to understand, just that I do want them to understand. who knows, maybe i will be the prophet i seek. i doubt it though, just takes too much and i don’t know if i have that to give right now.
chaos is certainly neat.
Date: 2:26 am Sun Aug 25, 1996
my night. my fuckin night. or my morning given the time.
there are days that just scream out at you that life sucks and things are never destined to go right.
destiny hates me.
hurt is common in my life now. its like a shirt though, wear it, everyone sees it, but no one says anything because they see it so much.
either sleep or rage is taking over my mind. i want to sleep for a day or kill someone right now. both would be kinda enjoyable i guess. sleep will win again i bet.. when sleep fights with something else, it wins because i don’t have energy to do the other.
Now, I can do that. Near my apartment is a nature preserve, with a nice slow moving stream going through it. The way it sits down in some trees in a grove gives you a near perfect escape (i.e.: can’t see anything manmade). You can hear cars, see a few lights, etc., but it is so damn nice. I go down there sometimes and just wade in the cold water.
Unfortunately, long ago I spent time with a really good friend (femme of course), and we never really dated, but we knew each other real well… and I spent time with her there. So, I kinda have regrets going down there because I kinda miss having someone to talk to and confess my sins to. (yes, i’m a sinner).
Date: 1:28 am Thu Aug 29, 1996
secrets are cool. until you have no one to share them with. then they eat you up. they consume you. they burn you from the inside. i hate being the keeper of secrets sometimes. i use to be the one to confess your sins to. now, most don’t, but old stuff still haunts me.
Date: 12:55 am Sat Aug 31, 1996
why do ex-friends think they can run my life? why do they even have the audacity to even fucking try to do so? don’t they understand it is easier to shoot them than talk to them?
hey you.. all alone sitting cold, can you hear me?
guilt is for amateurs