[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]
Here it is, the file to break my writer’s block. No matter what, this will be the time to get past over four months of no serious writing. You never know exactly why it happens, and normally you can’t tell what it is that makes you break out of that cold room and begin to throw your thoughts out to the world. So this time… lets try forcing it.
Sleep no longer comes easy to me. In the past I haven’t been one to sleep the days away or anything, as I usually get somewhere between two and six hours a night. These days, things have been different. For the past month and a half, I have spent my nights in a hotel in another state. That may be one of many things lending to my sleepless nights. Every night I fall asleep to music, typically something very calm and relaxing to make the transition from chaos to rest as smooth as possible.
These past few weeks I find myself staying awake listening to entire CDs, getting up, changing discs, and listening to more. Every night I can tell something is missing from my life but I can’t put my finger on it. I know what isn’t missing, and I know what I flat out don’t want. I have friends, at least all I could want right now. It isn’t female companionship right now, as I have no real desire for any relationship or commitment.
Something out there is missing.. its out of my grasp. My hobby has turned into my job and I enjoy working more than ever before. I see my family and acquaintances frequently, so no on that one. I keep running down a list of things that might be that missing link, but I still can’t put my finger on it. I know motivation in certain areas is right out the door. I have been sitting on a ton of writing projects that I will someday get to. Oh well, just a a matter of time. Until then, onward.. more things annoy me.
What else is up. Got to spend thanksgiving down here in Texas at my boss’s house (My boss down here that is). Other than that I have spent my weekends with some really good guys, all of which I have met through the internet. Just happens that quit a few live within a couple hours of where I am which makes the weekends much more interesting than sitting in the hotel room watching overpriced pay per view movies.
Back to music real quick. My latest interest has been in the various femme singers. Tori Amos, Sophie B. Hawkins, Poe, Milla, Suzanne Vega, Jewel, Enya, Shakespear’s Sister, and others. Something about these artists is just really impressive and worth listening too. For most of them, not only the incredible voices, but exceptional lyrics and great instrumental backup. I have thought a little about trying to put words to express the feelings that kind of music brings about in me, but just can’t do it. Anyway, if my word means anything, go out and purchase large quantities of music by those artists.
Been doing mass quantities of that email thing. I have always been one for writing rather than talking on the phone. Since I am now out of touch from most of the people I know, I have relied on mail as a quasi-escape from hotel life. It works. Every day I would guess my friends and I write well over 50k (about five times the length of this file) back and forth talking about the normal stuff. Kinda funny, how distance affects email. While in Denver, it always seems mail is much shorter and much more to the point. I guess it is just knowing that you can pick up the phone and make a local call if you have to, or something else. Maybe it is just feeling that distance.
So what the hell is the point of this whole file? Who cares. I learned long ago that expressing your daily thoughts like this does wonders to help you clear your mind, see your own thoughts, and more. Just knowing that other people will read your raw emotions makes you feel kinda weird, at least it makes me feel that way. Think about it; a dozen, hundreds, maybe thousands of people reading what is beyond second nature to you. So next time you are out on that newsgroup, or on some BBS, or in mail with a friend, just write about what is on your mind. About once a week I get a piece of mail like that from someone who has read a newly released file, had some thoughts, and turned it into a healthy letter about what is on their mind. I read and respond to all mail so feel free to write.
I’m a computer geek if you haven’t been able to tell. Don’t exactly look like one (at least the stereotypical one). Found out two things that really annoyed the hell out of me yesterday. I use to play a lot of sports, everything from soccer to rugby to baseball to tennis to just about everything else. So I went down to play basketball at the little court here at the hotel. Met a co-worker and we shot for a while before a couple more guys joined and asked to play a game. Both of these kids were younger than I, one was much bigger but looked pretty dense. The first thing that annoyed me was their style of playing ball. This wasn’t a friendly pickup game, this was a battle to the death. It was obvious they took it a lot more serious than I did, but there is a line that needs to be drawn.
I couldn’t help but think of how much they imitated the basketball players on TV, talked about them, and everything else. Its funny watching them try to be like them, but knowing how pathetic they are at the sport. I’m not saying I am better than they are (even though my outside shot puts them to shame), but all they could do was elbow their way under the basket and throw up a little layup for two points. Also funny how they never called their own fouls even though I did, kept encouraging each other to drive in on me since I wasn’t playing as active defense as my partner, or hit half of their outside shots. So overall they annoyed me.
The other major thing that annoyed me was myself. A few years back I found out I had exercise induced asthma which really puts a downer on any sport. I played the two-on-two game for maybe fifteen minutes before I was coughing and wheezing trying to catch my breath. I really do like sports too, and really wish I could partake a little more often. So until some miracle cure comes out, more billiards and computing for me.
Welp, now I get to flip a coin. Heads I release this to the world, tails, you never see it. I wonder how many other people do that with their writing. I also have to wonder if people even know that this is done with some of my files. No idea how many I have deleted because of the toss of a coin. Not a lot or anything, but a few. Not wasted thoughts either, but more a mental release than anything.
So, after all is said and done, is my writer’s block gone? Who knows, but I certainly hope to hell it is. Although it isn’t the worst thing as I have had some great writers pick up the duty. Hopefully they will keep writing and sharing their thoughts with the rest of us.
Things are most definitely not diminishing…
I’ll wrap it up here, and leave you with this thought:
“As I stand in darkness, I feel the warmth of the light upon my skin and I know my face is turned toward the sun. I can look into the sun, for my eyes are forever shrouded by darkness. But if you who can see look too long in the sun, you will lose your sight, just as those who live too long in the darkness will gradually lose theirs.” – Weis & Hickman
shout outs: Major, Plexor, Vidiot, z3ns, Apok, El_jefe, Dave_SOB, Capone, T*P, Voyager, Patty, Rage, Daemon9, se7en, Freya, Presence, all the fans of the zine, the users of ‘The Lemming’, all my cats, and then some.