#039: Decisions Suck

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

It is a test. Two actually, one in Philosophy, and one in History. Both tomorrow morning. This is summer school so classes are long, a lot of material is crammed into those few weeks, and test are frequent, and cover a shitload of stuff. Both are about 20-30% of my grade. Big deal. I can do good on the others right? Maybe pull off a couple of C’s and maybe even a B if I do really well. I think not.

You see, life isn’t like that any more. It used to be. My parents would pay for my classes and my living arrangements while I did a decent job in class. Well, never did really good in my classes, some B’s, lotsa C’s, few D’s and F’s here and there. Not really good, but for some reason, I can never really get into a class. Some of my architecture classes I really liked, but never really saw reason to put out that much effort. I knew that the difference between a B and a C was negligible. Why bust ass over such a little letter? So I would do shit I wanted to do, went to class, and turned in the required work. I can handle that. Usually, I would fail the first test, and make up for it on the other two or three so I would end up with a C in the class.

Architecture got old really quick. So many of those bullshit architecture history classes and so much bullshit in the design classes, just made it not worth it. Why design stuff for a professor when that wouldn’t be ANYTHING like it later in life? We were told to design buildings with this and that. In real life, you would never see this and that, but would concentrate on efficiency. So I dropped architecture, and decided on English. That had always been a strong suit. I loved reading, and had always wanted to teach as well. So I am now an English major specializing in ‘option 2’ which is teaching two subjects in high school.

With the last spring, my grades really hadn’t done well. I bombed last fall pretty bad. So my parents said ‘You have to have a 3.0 average next semester if you want to continue on.’ I thought about it, and said that was fair. Spring semester came, and some of the classes(English) I really enjoyed. I worked on them, but some of the reading was kinda pointless in my eyes, but not in the eyes of my profs. I ended up getting 4 C’s and an F. A little below a 3.0. So I figured my parents wouldn’t pay for anything else. I figured I was on my own. Either way I needed a break since I had attended the last 7 semesters in a row. Last summer semester I worked as close to full time as I could. The other change is I moved out of the fucking hell pits called the dorms. Enough of the shit you are forced
to endure there.

So here I was. On my own, in a new house with two friends, a new job that was pretty cool. About 30 hours a week. Not enough to support myself really but I just decided to use my savings account to carry me. Now it is the second summer semester and I am taking a philosophy class, and a history class. My parents have told me that I must get no worse than two B’s if I am to attend fall. If I fail this semester, then no more support from them. No school here in Texas on my own. My only two options are 1) working full time here 2) going to school in Denver where they live and living in the dorms again.

Working here isn’t that bad. My last job just got old, and presented no challenge whatsoever. My new one does though, and I really like it. But I know I couldn’t get even 30 hours there. That means I would have to pick up a shit job to carry myself through. Don’t want to do that.

Going to school up in Denver would be really cool. I love the city, and all the things it offers. Many more things to do, new people, and it is a lot cheaper in a way. My parents pay out of state tuition here which is quite bad. Texas Tech fucks over anyone from out of state. So I would be up there with in state tuition, bigger city, and that kinda stuff.

The whole reason this is brought up, is because those TWO tests tomorrow in class can really make a big decision on the rest of my life. If I fail either of them, then I can’t make an A or a B in the class. That makes it so I lose parental support unless I move to Denver. If I do that, then I live with them, or I live in the dorm. If I pass the tests, then I am forced to continue with these classes, memorize useless facts and theories for the rest of the semester.

As I write this file, I have a little over 12 hours until my first test, and I haven’t studied for either really. If I am to study, I will have to stay up late and not sleep, which isn’t a problem, as I have done that plenty of time. The thing is, I can’t motivate myself to open my bookbag, get the book, let alone open it and study. I physically can not do it. I have no idea why. This makes me wonder if I am not really cut out for college. If I tried, I could do quite well in my classes, but I have a serious problem getting motivated to do anything.

So maybe I will fail this semester, go to Denver, live with my parents and go to school up there. Thing about that is this. I have been in college since I was 17. I have lived on my own since then. I am a 19 year old guy with 68 college hours. I am used to living on my own, and I am used to not answering to anyone if I don’t want to. My parents are really cool when it comes down to it. They are a lot better than some that I have been told about. Just something in my mind clicks that living with parents is uncool. The other side of me says I have shown I can live on my own, and that I am a responsible person if I need to be.

So many fucking dilemmas, and no answers anywhere. If I move, I also have to deal with a loss of some friends, many enemies, and closing up all my ties to Lubbock, since I won’t return most likely. The good with the bad, but not just one or the other. What do I do? Force myself to study boring shit just to get on to the classes I enjoy? Or do I say fuck it and fail this semester and move to Denver, and start my life over?

Decisions suck.

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