[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]
It only took me 21 years to figure out life, and the reason behind it. It is ‘gods’ way of fucking with us. Now, I don’t believe in god, but I am agnostic. Something up there has a hell of a lot more power than I do, and possibly controls part of my life or whatnot. I don’t know, but I am open to ideas.
Anyway, whether it is god, fate, a set of gods, or whatever else you believe in, I have found the answer to it all.
Tonight I was reading back through old letters and cards from friend’s and families thinking about the past. I keep all incoming letters like that in a file folder, and tonight I went back through it. I found that reading them brought up good memories as well as bad, but mostly good. It hit me that whoever created us humans, was quite clever. I can see him/her/it saying ‘This will be the ultimate mind fuck…the human race’.
We go through life meeting thousands of people. Out of those thousands, you actually know maybe a hundred or so pretty well, even less become good friends, and only a select few become your best friends. If you are prone to moving, desiring change, or whatever, sit back and think back to all your old friends, from high school, college, old neighborhoods, or wherever else.
The ultimate mindfuck is this: Of all those people you knew so well, you don’t really remember them. All of the good times in the past are just that…over. Even by reading something that reminds you of it, looking at pictures, or talking to the person, you can only retrieve a fragment of the good time you had with them. The human brain can’t remember events with enough clarity to be a feasible way to escape to the past. All it can do is make you feel like total shit for not keeping in touch with those people or wishing to be back in that time.
Think back to past friends you spent a lot of time with. Why were they such a good friend? In the first five minutes you think about this, you will probably come to the same conclusion I did. “They were just cool”. Now sit there longer and think back to what events led up to meeting the person, things you did early on, later on, and so forth. Probably twenty minutes later you are thinking “I really miss that person being around. Why didn’t I stay in touch?”
So you are doomed to continue through life, making new friends, having more good times, only to sit down years from now and see that it is all over, and that you remember it to be a good time, but still not able to recall exactly what made it that way. You can only remember the basic events, some minor details etc.
Conclusion? I have none. Neither you nor I will go through life thinking ‘I better remember this event more closely so that I may enjoy it later down the road’. Keep meeting people, and enjoy the time you spend with them. Later down the road, don’t spend a lot of time thinking about them, and don’t become depressed about it. That defeats the purpose of those good’ memories.