#054: So You Wanna Be Cool

[F.U.C.K. is an e-zine that I started on January 24, 1993 and ended on January 24, 2000. One concept is that articles should be timeless if possible, so they were not released with dates. As such, the date on this blog is not exact but I will try to use a date as close as possible.]

Wanna be cool? Here it is, step by step.

  1. Get a beeper. All cool people have beepers. This shows that you are important enough, and need to be reached so often. Of course, you can save a little money if you want, and not take the service. Just make sure that it can beep when you press the button. Now, go in the corner and act like you are talking to someone you think is cool. Practice moving your arms in a way so that you can hit the button and make it beep, without anyone seeing it. Also practice your sayings should your beeper go off. Here are a few cool ones you can try:
    “Man, wonder what my bitch wants now.”
    “I’ll talk wit ya in a sec, gotta call my nigga.”
    “Another deal?”
    “Shit, Tyrone can wait.”
  2. Now get a mobile phone. All cool people have mobile phones. Of course, since you will barely use it, don’t get the service with it. Just make sure the lights can light up. While walking around, especially in malls, hold it up and pretend you are actually talking to someone, so you look important. If someone should ask to use your phone in an emergency, just reply “Sorry, my batteries are dead.”
  3. Jewelry. All cool people have pretty jewelry. Go to Spencer’s and look for a nice big gold chain. If it has a ‘$’ symbol on it, that is all the better. If it is just a plain chain, then go ahead and get it. Wear it at all times now, and if someone should ask, it is 14 karat gold.
  4. Clothes. All cool people wear name brand, expensive clothes. I would recommend any name brand that costs more than 35 dollars an item, like Guess or Boss. When you wear get your pants, make sure you buy 2-8 sizes too large, so that they sit on your hips, and sag in back. When it comes to shoes, you need to look around and try to figure out who is the basketball player of the month. Usually some rookie that comes in the NBA and does really good, then you never hear about them anymore. Anyway, buy whatever shoe they sponsor. Jacket.
    This is the tough part. You have several choices when it comes to your jacket. You can play it safe, and buy a popular team jacket. Something like the Bulls, Raiders, etc. Just as long as the team is really popular. If that isn’t your liking, then you may wish to get a jacket with a lesser known team, and try to be original. Be careful! Someone might ask you a question about the team, so you have to know the starting line up, etc. If you actually have money, you may wish to buy a leather jacket. This is always popular, and shows everyone else that you have money. To the intelligent people this shows you found it on sale, and used lay away.
  5. Cash. All cool people have a big ole wad of cash. When you pull it out to pay for something, you have to be able to thumb through two large bills, a few smaller, and finally some ones. Save up though! I recommend this line up: 100, 50, 20, 20, 10, 10, 5, and as many ones as you can scrape together. Using this order, and amount, it shows you are really cool! Of course, a little less than that won’t hurt, but make sure you have the ones to make it look good. I know it doesn’t look good, but everyone with a wad of cash does it, so you need to learn how to do it to. When you enter a store, clothing especially, you have to be an asshole to the salesman. If you actually plan on buying something from the store, take it to the register, put it on the counter, with one hand pull out your impressive wad of cash, and wait for the total. After the salesman tells you how much it will be, act disgusted, and say something like “Fuck dat! You gotta knock some bones off that for a brother!” or some other phrase that shows you are special and deserve a discount that employees don’t even get.
  6. Weapon. All cool people have a weapon. You have three basic choices now. First, you can tell everyone that you know some martial art. This can be very effective if you can do a small imitation of the Karate Kid or something. Second, you may wanna carry a knife. Watch out though, if you decide on a butterfly knife, it will take some practice working with it, so that when you take it out, you look like you know what you are doing. Third, you can carry a gun. Remember, it takes no prior experience to pull a trigger. Just get a 22, a 9mm, or some other gun that can be concealed. Carrying a concealed gun into public places is probably the coolest thing you can do.

Now that wasn’t so hard was it? Now take everything you have bought, and wear it all at once, and strut down the mall or some other place. When others dressed exactly like you pass, you can nod, and say “that person is cool!” and have the warm feeling that they said the same thing too!

Be careful though, a lot of people are gonna call you names even when you aren’t looking. Words like ‘Nigga’, ‘Wigger’, ‘Wannabe’, and ‘Gangbanger’ might be heard, but don’t worry! That is just other people’s way of calling you cool!

Hope all this helps YOU become cool. If you have any questions, or need advice on how to be cool, just look for someone described above, and go up to them and say “How can I be cool like you?” and they should be able to help out.

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